"The object of teaching a child is to enable them to get along without their teacher." — Elbert HubbardI just recently read an article about "helicopter parents". They are the parents that cannot seem to let go and allow their children to grow up.
I am the father of an 18 year old college student and at her graduation party I kept getting questioned about how I felt about her graduating and moving on. My answer was, "Ecstatic" and then because I got some interesting looks, I went on to explain that I was looking forward to both Melinda and I starting new chapters in our lives. And yes, I would miss her but this was inevitable.
At least, it is supposed to be. Not for "helicopter" parents. For them, it seems, they feel that they need to protect their children well past the age of 18. Some, even into real adulthood, when their children are in their 30's. They attempt to negotiate salaries for them, they advocate for them with their college, landlord, electric company, you name it. They smother their children and then wonder why at age 40, their children are depressed, divorced, not able to handle the consequences of life and moving back in.
It is not only our jobs as parents but our duty to society to raise our children to be independent, productive citizens. It does no one any good when we refuse to cut the purse strings, kick them out of the nest and simply let go.
If you have done your job to the best of your ability then you will more than likely raise a happy, healthy, fully functioning adult. Sure we will always be parents, we will all be needed for advice or to watch the kids, etc. What we don't want to be is a crutch!
Parenting is not easy, I know, and after hearing some really bad stories, I had it better than some. Even though I am divorced from her Mom, I was blessed to remarry a woman who not only loves me but was really another parent to our daughter.
Ok, so how do you keep from becoming a "helicopter" parent?
Here is some advice:
1.
They are gonna grow up! You need to realize that right now. No matter what you do and no matter how you parent, they are going to grow up and there is nothing you can do about it. I know this may sound a little silly and you may even be saying, tell me something I don't know. You really need to hear this. One day that new baby will come home from the hospital and it seems like the next time you turn around they are asking for the car keys. It all happens in the blink of an eye and you will be left wondering where 18 years went.
"We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up." ~Christopher Morley2.
Be there! Be there when they start walking. Be there when they learn to ride a bike. Be there on the first day of school. Be there to teach them how to throw a ball. Be there for the first school dance. Be there to take them trick or treating. Be there when they breakup for the first time. Just be there and be involved. Besides the more that you are with them while they are growing up, the more you will be ready for them to go. I am really not trying to be funny here. I mean it you will be ready! Yes, I know you need to earn a living but why not have a life. No amount of money can replace your presence. You may be thinking you are doing it for them, when you work those 60 hour weeks but you are really doing them and yourself a disservice. For more convincing please refer back to paragraph one!
"Your children need your presence more than your presents." ~Jesse Jackson3.
Teach them responsibility! If you teach your kids to be responsible then you will not feel the need do everything for them when they become adults. Responsible children become responsible adults and responsible citizens. Have an age appropriate chore list. When my daughter was between the ages of five and ten, we had a list on the refrigerator that she placed stickers on when she completed them and the chores were things like; brush you teeth, make you bed, etc. Every sticker was worth a small amount of money and every thing she did not do, got money subtracted. As she got older, the chores become more involved, like help with dinner, run the sweeper, etc. She was still rewarded for what she did accomplish and got things deducted for what she didn't. Now, as she got older, especially in her teenage years, the list went away but the expectations did not. Did she always do her chores, of course not, but it instilled work ethic and responsibility in her. How did I know? I would hear it from her teachers and supervisors at work about how responsible she was and what a great work ethic she has. Don't expect that to show up at home but it is nice to hear.
"
Patience is the companion of wisdom." — St. Augustine4.
Communicate with them! Talk with them about both the fun things and the serious things. Was it fun having "the talk" with my daughter? No, I was apprehensive to say the least but I knew it was important that she knew how I felt about it. Of course like anything else, keep the topics age appropriate, but talk. My daughter has often told me that she really enjoyed the days when I took her to and from school because we had some really good conversations. Don't shy away from the tough stuff, that's when they need you the most. My daughter and I have talked about religion, spirituality, race, drugs, sex, life, death, Santa Clause, sports and relationships. The older she got the more serious some of the conversations became. You know I often learned things from her and that's really cool.
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." ~ Angela Schwindt5.
Discipline them! Do I believe you should spank your kids? I believe that is an individual choice, so I really have no other opinion than that but I will say that there has to be some kind of discipline. Otherwise how does a child learn boundaries, to follow the rules and that there are consequences to the choices they make. The key here is to try and remember that you are disciplining the act not the child. I always did my best to explain to her what she did and why it was not a good choice. Did I ever lose my temper? Am I human? Yes, especially when she was in her late teens and was more obstinate. I will tell you however, if you can develop the daddy look, then things can go alot smoothly. Most of the time all I had to do was give her the look and she knew she was in trouble. It sometimes still works today! The other big things are be consistent and do not stay upset for very long. Unless it involves taking another life, there is really nothing that they can do that cannot be fixed. My daughter knows there are consequences to her actions because she was taught that at home, where it should be taught.
"Many parents are finding out that a pat on the back helps develop character - if given often enough, early enough, and low enough." - Author Unknown6.
Do not live vicariously through them! You had your shot at childhood, it's over, so get on with it. One of the worse things you can do is try and force your children into some idea of what you think their life should be. This will surely lead you on the road to being a serious "helicopter" parent. Encourage your children to try new things and yes you can encourage them to try the things you did as a child but that should be it, just encourage. My daughter tried gymnastics, band and swimming. She settled on basketball, track and cross country and was involved in several other school activities. It just so happened that I played basketball and ran track but I told her over and over again that she did not even have to play sports, I just wanted her to do things she liked to do. And she knew that I meant it. Then when she decided on those sports, I gave her tips and suggestions how she could get better. I coached her for a few years in basketball but I never pushed her. I let her decide how hard she wanted to work and how much time she wanted to put into it. But, once again I was there for her. I attended the meets and games. I helped pay for camps and gear and I always encouraged her. So, no matter what your children want to try, encourage them and be there for them but do not force them to do something they do not want to do on their own.
"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer." ~ Author Unknown7.
Things are gonna change! Recognize that as your child gets older things are gonna change and you are going to have to face some changes yourself. They are gonna get a license. They are gonna drive by themselves. They might get a job. And you are gonna be concerned. That's natural, that's life! If you taught them responsibility and were there for them growing up then that is all that you can do. Sure, it can be scary when they start doing things on their own but it is the only way for them to test the waters of freedom before they jump ship. You also have to recognize that you have changed too. You are also older and hopefully wiser but you were also once their age and need to recall how you felt at that age. That will keep things in perspective for you.
"Children are one third of our population and all of our future." ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 19818.
Have something else to do! I know I have said to be there for them but you also have to make time for things you like to do. You know grown up things like golfing, gardening, working out and watching soap operas and sports. As they grow older and you are needed less and less (yes, that will happen, after all if you are doing it right, that is the natural progression of things) you need to make sure that you have something else to do. Do not, I repeat, do not make them your whole life. That my friend is a recipe for disaster. That way when they strike out on their own you will not have this huge empty void. You will miss them but you will be free to pursue your own interests. Where many go wrong here is they have nothing else to occupy their time and then wonder what they are going to do. They are lost and then try to help the kids. cCn you hear the sound? Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Sounds like a helicopter parent swooping in to the rescue.
"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent." - Dave Barry9.
Work on letting go! I would not suggest that you do this letting go thing cold turkey. Ease into it. Try it on and see how it feels. I think my daughter was about sixteen and a half, a few months after she got her license, when I sat her down and told her that starting then I was going to slowly progress into advisory mode. On things that I felt she was responsible and mature enough to handle I would be giving advice and not telling her what to do. I had her make her own decisions on those things. So, the older she got, the more I advised. Now that she is 18, I am totally in advisory mode. It is kinda cool because the pressure of making decisions and living with the consequences has gone to her. And less stress is what we are all looking for, right? You see, since I taught her responsibility and provided love, advice, knowledge and discipline, I was confident that she could handle things on her own.
"Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it." ~Haim Ginott10.
You will always be a parent! Now, don't get me wrong, they may leave but you will always be a parent. You will always be needed for advice, directions, recipes, moving labor, etc. Your role does not end when they venture on to bigger and better things. But you really do not want them coming back to live with you. You have moved on and are enjoying your new life without children. Of course, there may be grandchildren in your future but that is a whole different role entirely. No, you will be needed from time to time. It will not be as often or even maybe as intense but the time will come when that phone will ring and you will be called to action once again. Of course if you have followed my advice, then you will be relaxed and almost stress free as a parent, since you know that you raised a competent, responsible and mature adult!
"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." ~Barbara KingsolverThat's all for today!
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
Posts
