Tonight is the beginning of my 30 year High School Class Reunion Weekend. I am so looking forward to getting together with my classmates, many of whom I have not seen in 20 years or more. I love our class reunions because it takes me back to a time of my life that I so thoroughly enjoyed. It is where it all began for me and my friends from school had such a profound impact on my life.
Growing up in a small town like Newton Falls, Ohio, afforded me so many opportunities to grow and learn. Now, my hometown is not the hotbed of diversity but it is where I was taught honesty, ethics, dedication, commitment, the value of work, the value of a dollar, friendship and so much more. The people of Newton Falls embody the heart of soul of the Midwest, where family, God and country are most important. Where friendships last for decades and neighbors look out for one another. Where children are taught to respect their elders and education is highly valued.
I am still very close to several of my classmates today, three of which I have been some of my best friends for 43 years now. My classmates and I supported each other through our childhood. We learned the multiplication tables together. We took on the challenges of puberty together. And we were there for each other during good times as well as bad times. We survived divorces, deaths, sicknesses, heartache and grief together. We celebrated graduations, weddings, births and successes together. And now we come together to celebrate our lives and the roles we played in each of them, one more time together.
Some look upon reunions as a time to see how old we have become. I for one look at them as a celebration of life and everything it has brought us.
So, this weekend, I go home, once more to celebrate with the people who have meant so much to me. We will laugh, we may cry, but we will have fun! If you are having a reunion coming up, for whatever purposes, I urge you to go. You may just have fun and will get to reconnect with those that have had an impact on your life!
"Every parting is a form of death, as every reunion is a type of heaven." - Tyron Edwards
That's all for today. I have reunion to get to!
May you be blessed always and in all ways.
Harry
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Solitude
How often do you get to just be by yourself? No kids, spouses, significant others, work, anything.
How often do you go into silence? With no music, tv, Internet or other distractions of life.
When was the last time you took a trip by yourself?
When was the last time you took a walk in nature, alone?
When was the last time you went to the movies, out to dinner or to any event alone?
The answers to the questions is not often enough and it has been too long to be able to remember. By nature you are not solitary animals, unless you are totally introverted and that is not many of you. No a majority of you cherish contact with others.
You tolerate the hustle and bustle of life because you think that is how it should be. You must be busy, busy, busy. Otherwise, how is anything ever going to get done? You are forever trying to cram 30 hours of stuff into a 24 day and wonder why you are stressed out, anxious and tired. Mostly tired!
It is because you do not take time to just be in solitude. For some of you solitude is scary. What will you do with yourself? What might you find out about you that you do not like? For others you think it is a waste of time. There is stuff to be done you know? Can you say stroke or heart attack walking?
Of course you can be in solitude and still be doing things, just do them alone. You can garden, work on a project, listen to music, watch a movie or ride your bike. The key here is doing it alone, with no distractions from anything else. And that's the tough part. Now, if you are so inclined, being in solitude, like on a hike, where you are alone in nature can be even more relaxing but the idea here is to mentally remove yourself from the rest of the world.
"The great omission in American life is solitude...that zone of time and space, free from the outside pressures, which is the incinerator of spirit." - Marya Mannes
Here are five reasons for the importance of going into solitude. It allows you:
1. to relax and just be.
2. to take time off from the rigors of everyday life.
3. to recharge your batteries.
4. to get in touch with you.
5. to take an internal inventory.
"One hour of thoughtful solitude may nerve the heart for days of conflict - girding up its armour to meet the most insidious foe." - Percival
So, don't look at solitude as something to avoid or put off when you have time for it. It is something you need to do to maintain your physical, mental and spiritual health.
That's all for today.
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
How often do you go into silence? With no music, tv, Internet or other distractions of life.
When was the last time you took a trip by yourself?
When was the last time you took a walk in nature, alone?
When was the last time you went to the movies, out to dinner or to any event alone?
The answers to the questions is not often enough and it has been too long to be able to remember. By nature you are not solitary animals, unless you are totally introverted and that is not many of you. No a majority of you cherish contact with others.
You tolerate the hustle and bustle of life because you think that is how it should be. You must be busy, busy, busy. Otherwise, how is anything ever going to get done? You are forever trying to cram 30 hours of stuff into a 24 day and wonder why you are stressed out, anxious and tired. Mostly tired!
It is because you do not take time to just be in solitude. For some of you solitude is scary. What will you do with yourself? What might you find out about you that you do not like? For others you think it is a waste of time. There is stuff to be done you know? Can you say stroke or heart attack walking?
Of course you can be in solitude and still be doing things, just do them alone. You can garden, work on a project, listen to music, watch a movie or ride your bike. The key here is doing it alone, with no distractions from anything else. And that's the tough part. Now, if you are so inclined, being in solitude, like on a hike, where you are alone in nature can be even more relaxing but the idea here is to mentally remove yourself from the rest of the world.
"The great omission in American life is solitude...that zone of time and space, free from the outside pressures, which is the incinerator of spirit." - Marya Mannes
Here are five reasons for the importance of going into solitude. It allows you:
1. to relax and just be.
2. to take time off from the rigors of everyday life.
3. to recharge your batteries.
4. to get in touch with you.
5. to take an internal inventory.
"One hour of thoughtful solitude may nerve the heart for days of conflict - girding up its armour to meet the most insidious foe." - Percival
So, don't look at solitude as something to avoid or put off when you have time for it. It is something you need to do to maintain your physical, mental and spiritual health.
That's all for today.
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Suggested Reading
Over the years I have read numerous books that have helped me along my personal life path. Today I am sharing some of them with you, in the hope that they may help you too.
So, here are ten of my favorites:
1. Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch
2. Wooden by John Wooden with Steve Jamison
3. The Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
4. Think & Grow Rich by Napolean Hill
5. The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
6. Zero Limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and More by Joe Vitale & Ihaleakala Lew Hen, Phd.
7. The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz
8. One Heart: Wisdom from the World's Scriptures edited by Bonnie Louise Kuchler
9. The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
10. Mother Earth Spirituality: Native American Paths to Healing Ourselves and Our World by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man
Now this is just a sampling of the literally hundreds of books that I have simply devoured in my quest to learn everything I can about who I am and why I am here. they have provided me guidance and helped me to live a fulfilled and balanced life. I am quite sure that they may do the same thing for you too.
All of these books have contributed to my philosophy of life and that is: "I do not care what you call yourself, love one another. The rest is just details!"
That's all for today.
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I can! I can't!
Can't, one of the most destructive words in the English language. All uttering that word does is keep you from accomplishing anything. Like any thought, the moment you even think it, you set into motion; physical, emotional and spiritual energies that will give you just that, can't.
"If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford
My Mom (Eleanor Shade) created the following with the lines I can and I can't:
I CAN...I can advance naturally. Basically you are saying that you have faith and are allowing yourself to move along with the cosmic flow of the universe, with grace and ease. It is a statement born of strength and courage.
I CAN'T... I cannot advance naturally today. You are fighting against the current, which is a waste of both time and energy. You are getting nowhere fast and have no hope of advancing. This is a statement born of fear and insecurity.
”Those who say something can't be done should not interrupt those doing it.” - Unknown
So, if you want to advance naturally banish can't from your vocabulary today!
There short and sweet but food for thought. That's all for today.
May you all be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
"If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford
My Mom (Eleanor Shade) created the following with the lines I can and I can't:
I CAN...I can advance naturally. Basically you are saying that you have faith and are allowing yourself to move along with the cosmic flow of the universe, with grace and ease. It is a statement born of strength and courage.
I CAN'T... I cannot advance naturally today. You are fighting against the current, which is a waste of both time and energy. You are getting nowhere fast and have no hope of advancing. This is a statement born of fear and insecurity.
”Those who say something can't be done should not interrupt those doing it.” - Unknown
So, if you want to advance naturally banish can't from your vocabulary today!
There short and sweet but food for thought. That's all for today.
May you all be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
F-A-I-T-H
Can I get an F? F
Can I get an A? A
Can I get an I? I
Can I get a T? T
Can I get an H?H
What does it spell? Faith What? Faith LOUDER! FAITH
One of my friends, Michelle Casto, wrote in a facebook discussion that FAITH = Find Answers In The Heart. I like that for that is where faith lies, in your heart. Your head may say this is impossible but your heart screams, "Have faith!" To learn more about the beautiful soul known as Michelle Casto and the wonderful work she is doing go to her web site http://www.brightlightcoach.com/
Here are some great quotes about faith!
Brian Tracy said - "Be willing to launch in faith, with no guarantees of success. This is the mark of personal greatness."
Henry Beecher Ward said - "Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith."
Martin Luther King said - "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
Thomas N. Carrurther said - "Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any great achievement."
Albert Schweitzer said - "Every start upon an untrodden path is a venture which only in unusual circumstances seems sensible and likely to be successful."
What is everyone saying here? That without faith nothing can be accomplished but with faith anything is possible. They are also saying that faith takes courage and determination, that faith is the power that helps you overcome your fears.
So have faith in yourself and you will accomplish more than you ever thought to be posible!
That's all for today.
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
Friday, October 3, 2008
10 Things to Help You Relax
In this day and age of too much work, too much stress and not enough time for you, I offer these 10 things you can start today that will help you relax! The picture to the right is our cat, Mickey. He obviously has no problem relaxing!
1. Cut out the caffeine: You have probably already heard this before but it bears repeating. Caffeine is in a fact a drug, a stimulant, and it is really not good for you. And like some other drugs, it is addicting. Yes, I know like other addictive drugs you will have to wean yourself off it and usually that is not a lot of fun. So, I suggest that you do it slowly by cutting out one coffee or caffeinated drink each day or slowly switching to decaf products. Americans are addicted to caffeine, that is a well known fact, which is one of the major reasons why we cannot relax.
2. Schedule a regular massage: Oh, yeah, if you have ever gotten a relaxing massage, you know how good it feels. I would not suggest a deep tissue, shiatsu style massage, those can hurt a little. And how are you going to pay for that regular massage. Start with the money you are saving by cutting caffeine out of your life. If you still do not have enough money, check to see if there is a massage school near you. Their prices are low and the students are going for a grade, the best of both worlds.
3. Expand your musical tastes: There is a lot of music out there that is designed to help you relax. Try some Native American Flute music or other "new age" instrumental music. It is good for the body and the soul.
4. Take a bubble bath: Oh, yeah, you guys too. The combination of the nice hot water and the soaps designed specifically for relaxing are a great combination. Throw in some nice smelly candles and you will be in heaven. There are even some cool fizzy balls also designed to relax those tense muscles.
5. Take up a hobby: There are a myriad of hobbies that can be truly relaxing. Hiking, bird watching, cooking, gardening, painting, sculpting, nature photography and napping come to mind. I am am told that napping can be a hobby.
"No matter how much pressure you feel at work, if you could find ways to relax for at least five minutes every hour, you'd be more productive." - Dr. Joyce Brothers
6. Take naps: There are numerous studies that say that, especially as we get older, napping has rejuvenating effects. I say don't wait until you get older, when you may actually need them, start now. Of course, it should be 30 minutes or less, so as not to get into that whole REM thing and ruin your normal sleep pattern. I will say that for me naps work too well. If I take a nap anytime during the day, it really effects my normal sleep and I am a night owl as it is. But it may work for you, so give it a try.
7. Get a cat or dog: If you living situation allows it, get a furry ball of love. Once again, study after study have shown that having a pet reduces your stress level and your blood pressure, while releasing those fun hormones that make you feel good. The purr of a cat can just lift your mood and taking the dog for walk has the dual benefit of getting exercise. Plus, when you return home at the end of the day, you always have those furry fuzzies there to greet you. It's is therapy in a natural fur coat.
8. Try hypnotism: There are literally thousands of trained hypnotists available to help you relax using this ancient method. Hypnotists have been known to be able to treat and perhaps even cure all kind of conditions and the ability to relax is one of them. In fact, you can even have the hypnotist at your beck and call thru the use of audio cds. That way you can have a session when and where it is convenient for you and costs a lot less than going to their office. Your eyes are getting heavy.....
9. Try a nice herbal tea: You may be surprised at all the herbal teas on the market today that are designed to help people relax. Ok, maybe not, given the fact that is such a huge market for people who really need to relax. The only caveat I have here is stick with decaf teas, you know so you can do what I talked about in #1. If you do not recall, then refer back to #1.
10. Tap into your spirit: So many of us are trying to find out who we are and why we are here. There are numerous ways to go within and find peace. Books, drum circles, retreats, classes, seminars, TV shows, Internet social networking sites, and the list goes on. Not to mention the traditional religious study groups. If you can find what works for you to be at peace spiritually, you will find it much easier to relax.
"There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I could go on and on but I wanted to keep this short. I am sure you can come up with other things that can help you relax. I just wanted to give you a start.
That's all for now!
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Helicopter Parents; Why You do Not Want to be One.
"The object of teaching a child is to enable them to get along without their teacher." — Elbert Hubbard
I just recently read an article about "helicopter parents". They are the parents that cannot seem to let go and allow their children to grow up.
I am the father of an 18 year old college student and at her graduation party I kept getting questioned about how I felt about her graduating and moving on. My answer was, "Ecstatic" and then because I got some interesting looks, I went on to explain that I was looking forward to both Melinda and I starting new chapters in our lives. And yes, I would miss her but this was inevitable.
At least, it is supposed to be. Not for "helicopter" parents. For them, it seems, they feel that they need to protect their children well past the age of 18. Some, even into real adulthood, when their children are in their 30's. They attempt to negotiate salaries for them, they advocate for them with their college, landlord, electric company, you name it. They smother their children and then wonder why at age 40, their children are depressed, divorced, not able to handle the consequences of life and moving back in.
It is not only our jobs as parents but our duty to society to raise our children to be independent, productive citizens. It does no one any good when we refuse to cut the purse strings, kick them out of the nest and simply let go.
If you have done your job to the best of your ability then you will more than likely raise a happy, healthy, fully functioning adult. Sure we will always be parents, we will all be needed for advice or to watch the kids, etc. What we don't want to be is a crutch!
Parenting is not easy, I know, and after hearing some really bad stories, I had it better than some. Even though I am divorced from her Mom, I was blessed to remarry a woman who not only loves me but was really another parent to our daughter.
Ok, so how do you keep from becoming a "helicopter" parent?
Here is some advice:
1. They are gonna grow up! You need to realize that right now. No matter what you do and no matter how you parent, they are going to grow up and there is nothing you can do about it. I know this may sound a little silly and you may even be saying, tell me something I don't know. You really need to hear this. One day that new baby will come home from the hospital and it seems like the next time you turn around they are asking for the car keys. It all happens in the blink of an eye and you will be left wondering where 18 years went.
"We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up." ~Christopher Morley
2. Be there! Be there when they start walking. Be there when they learn to ride a bike. Be there on the first day of school. Be there to teach them how to throw a ball. Be there for the first school dance. Be there to take them trick or treating. Be there when they breakup for the first time. Just be there and be involved. Besides the more that you are with them while they are growing up, the more you will be ready for them to go. I am really not trying to be funny here. I mean it you will be ready! Yes, I know you need to earn a living but why not have a life. No amount of money can replace your presence. You may be thinking you are doing it for them, when you work those 60 hour weeks but you are really doing them and yourself a disservice. For more convincing please refer back to paragraph one!
"Your children need your presence more than your presents." ~Jesse Jackson
3. Teach them responsibility! If you teach your kids to be responsible then you will not feel the need do everything for them when they become adults. Responsible children become responsible adults and responsible citizens. Have an age appropriate chore list. When my daughter was between the ages of five and ten, we had a list on the refrigerator that she placed stickers on when she completed them and the chores were things like; brush you teeth, make you bed, etc. Every sticker was worth a small amount of money and every thing she did not do, got money subtracted. As she got older, the chores become more involved, like help with dinner, run the sweeper, etc. She was still rewarded for what she did accomplish and got things deducted for what she didn't. Now, as she got older, especially in her teenage years, the list went away but the expectations did not. Did she always do her chores, of course not, but it instilled work ethic and responsibility in her. How did I know? I would hear it from her teachers and supervisors at work about how responsible she was and what a great work ethic she has. Don't expect that to show up at home but it is nice to hear.
"Patience is the companion of wisdom." — St. Augustine
4. Communicate with them! Talk with them about both the fun things and the serious things. Was it fun having "the talk" with my daughter? No, I was apprehensive to say the least but I knew it was important that she knew how I felt about it. Of course like anything else, keep the topics age appropriate, but talk. My daughter has often told me that she really enjoyed the days when I took her to and from school because we had some really good conversations. Don't shy away from the tough stuff, that's when they need you the most. My daughter and I have talked about religion, spirituality, race, drugs, sex, life, death, Santa Clause, sports and relationships. The older she got the more serious some of the conversations became. You know I often learned things from her and that's really cool.
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." ~ Angela Schwindt
5. Discipline them! Do I believe you should spank your kids? I believe that is an individual choice, so I really have no other opinion than that but I will say that there has to be some kind of discipline. Otherwise how does a child learn boundaries, to follow the rules and that there are consequences to the choices they make. The key here is to try and remember that you are disciplining the act not the child. I always did my best to explain to her what she did and why it was not a good choice. Did I ever lose my temper? Am I human? Yes, especially when she was in her late teens and was more obstinate. I will tell you however, if you can develop the daddy look, then things can go alot smoothly. Most of the time all I had to do was give her the look and she knew she was in trouble. It sometimes still works today! The other big things are be consistent and do not stay upset for very long. Unless it involves taking another life, there is really nothing that they can do that cannot be fixed. My daughter knows there are consequences to her actions because she was taught that at home, where it should be taught.
"Many parents are finding out that a pat on the back helps develop character - if given often enough, early enough, and low enough." - Author Unknown
6. Do not live vicariously through them! You had your shot at childhood, it's over, so get on with it. One of the worse things you can do is try and force your children into some idea of what you think their life should be. This will surely lead you on the road to being a serious "helicopter" parent. Encourage your children to try new things and yes you can encourage them to try the things you did as a child but that should be it, just encourage. My daughter tried gymnastics, band and swimming. She settled on basketball, track and cross country and was involved in several other school activities. It just so happened that I played basketball and ran track but I told her over and over again that she did not even have to play sports, I just wanted her to do things she liked to do. And she knew that I meant it. Then when she decided on those sports, I gave her tips and suggestions how she could get better. I coached her for a few years in basketball but I never pushed her. I let her decide how hard she wanted to work and how much time she wanted to put into it. But, once again I was there for her. I attended the meets and games. I helped pay for camps and gear and I always encouraged her. So, no matter what your children want to try, encourage them and be there for them but do not force them to do something they do not want to do on their own.
"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer." ~ Author Unknown
7. Things are gonna change! Recognize that as your child gets older things are gonna change and you are going to have to face some changes yourself. They are gonna get a license. They are gonna drive by themselves. They might get a job. And you are gonna be concerned. That's natural, that's life! If you taught them responsibility and were there for them growing up then that is all that you can do. Sure, it can be scary when they start doing things on their own but it is the only way for them to test the waters of freedom before they jump ship. You also have to recognize that you have changed too. You are also older and hopefully wiser but you were also once their age and need to recall how you felt at that age. That will keep things in perspective for you.
"Children are one third of our population and all of our future." ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981
8. Have something else to do! I know I have said to be there for them but you also have to make time for things you like to do. You know grown up things like golfing, gardening, working out and watching soap operas and sports. As they grow older and you are needed less and less (yes, that will happen, after all if you are doing it right, that is the natural progression of things) you need to make sure that you have something else to do. Do not, I repeat, do not make them your whole life. That my friend is a recipe for disaster. That way when they strike out on their own you will not have this huge empty void. You will miss them but you will be free to pursue your own interests. Where many go wrong here is they have nothing else to occupy their time and then wonder what they are going to do. They are lost and then try to help the kids. cCn you hear the sound? Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Sounds like a helicopter parent swooping in to the rescue.
"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent." - Dave Barry
9. Work on letting go! I would not suggest that you do this letting go thing cold turkey. Ease into it. Try it on and see how it feels. I think my daughter was about sixteen and a half, a few months after she got her license, when I sat her down and told her that starting then I was going to slowly progress into advisory mode. On things that I felt she was responsible and mature enough to handle I would be giving advice and not telling her what to do. I had her make her own decisions on those things. So, the older she got, the more I advised. Now that she is 18, I am totally in advisory mode. It is kinda cool because the pressure of making decisions and living with the consequences has gone to her. And less stress is what we are all looking for, right? You see, since I taught her responsibility and provided love, advice, knowledge and discipline, I was confident that she could handle things on her own.
"Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it." ~Haim Ginott
10. You will always be a parent! Now, don't get me wrong, they may leave but you will always be a parent. You will always be needed for advice, directions, recipes, moving labor, etc. Your role does not end when they venture on to bigger and better things. But you really do not want them coming back to live with you. You have moved on and are enjoying your new life without children. Of course, there may be grandchildren in your future but that is a whole different role entirely. No, you will be needed from time to time. It will not be as often or even maybe as intense but the time will come when that phone will ring and you will be called to action once again. Of course if you have followed my advice, then you will be relaxed and almost stress free as a parent, since you know that you raised a competent, responsible and mature adult!
"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." ~Barbara Kingsolver
That's all for today!
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
I just recently read an article about "helicopter parents". They are the parents that cannot seem to let go and allow their children to grow up.
I am the father of an 18 year old college student and at her graduation party I kept getting questioned about how I felt about her graduating and moving on. My answer was, "Ecstatic" and then because I got some interesting looks, I went on to explain that I was looking forward to both Melinda and I starting new chapters in our lives. And yes, I would miss her but this was inevitable.
At least, it is supposed to be. Not for "helicopter" parents. For them, it seems, they feel that they need to protect their children well past the age of 18. Some, even into real adulthood, when their children are in their 30's. They attempt to negotiate salaries for them, they advocate for them with their college, landlord, electric company, you name it. They smother their children and then wonder why at age 40, their children are depressed, divorced, not able to handle the consequences of life and moving back in.
It is not only our jobs as parents but our duty to society to raise our children to be independent, productive citizens. It does no one any good when we refuse to cut the purse strings, kick them out of the nest and simply let go.
If you have done your job to the best of your ability then you will more than likely raise a happy, healthy, fully functioning adult. Sure we will always be parents, we will all be needed for advice or to watch the kids, etc. What we don't want to be is a crutch!
Parenting is not easy, I know, and after hearing some really bad stories, I had it better than some. Even though I am divorced from her Mom, I was blessed to remarry a woman who not only loves me but was really another parent to our daughter.
Ok, so how do you keep from becoming a "helicopter" parent?
Here is some advice:
1. They are gonna grow up! You need to realize that right now. No matter what you do and no matter how you parent, they are going to grow up and there is nothing you can do about it. I know this may sound a little silly and you may even be saying, tell me something I don't know. You really need to hear this. One day that new baby will come home from the hospital and it seems like the next time you turn around they are asking for the car keys. It all happens in the blink of an eye and you will be left wondering where 18 years went.
"We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up." ~Christopher Morley
2. Be there! Be there when they start walking. Be there when they learn to ride a bike. Be there on the first day of school. Be there to teach them how to throw a ball. Be there for the first school dance. Be there to take them trick or treating. Be there when they breakup for the first time. Just be there and be involved. Besides the more that you are with them while they are growing up, the more you will be ready for them to go. I am really not trying to be funny here. I mean it you will be ready! Yes, I know you need to earn a living but why not have a life. No amount of money can replace your presence. You may be thinking you are doing it for them, when you work those 60 hour weeks but you are really doing them and yourself a disservice. For more convincing please refer back to paragraph one!
"Your children need your presence more than your presents." ~Jesse Jackson
3. Teach them responsibility! If you teach your kids to be responsible then you will not feel the need do everything for them when they become adults. Responsible children become responsible adults and responsible citizens. Have an age appropriate chore list. When my daughter was between the ages of five and ten, we had a list on the refrigerator that she placed stickers on when she completed them and the chores were things like; brush you teeth, make you bed, etc. Every sticker was worth a small amount of money and every thing she did not do, got money subtracted. As she got older, the chores become more involved, like help with dinner, run the sweeper, etc. She was still rewarded for what she did accomplish and got things deducted for what she didn't. Now, as she got older, especially in her teenage years, the list went away but the expectations did not. Did she always do her chores, of course not, but it instilled work ethic and responsibility in her. How did I know? I would hear it from her teachers and supervisors at work about how responsible she was and what a great work ethic she has. Don't expect that to show up at home but it is nice to hear.
"Patience is the companion of wisdom." — St. Augustine
4. Communicate with them! Talk with them about both the fun things and the serious things. Was it fun having "the talk" with my daughter? No, I was apprehensive to say the least but I knew it was important that she knew how I felt about it. Of course like anything else, keep the topics age appropriate, but talk. My daughter has often told me that she really enjoyed the days when I took her to and from school because we had some really good conversations. Don't shy away from the tough stuff, that's when they need you the most. My daughter and I have talked about religion, spirituality, race, drugs, sex, life, death, Santa Clause, sports and relationships. The older she got the more serious some of the conversations became. You know I often learned things from her and that's really cool.
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." ~ Angela Schwindt
5. Discipline them! Do I believe you should spank your kids? I believe that is an individual choice, so I really have no other opinion than that but I will say that there has to be some kind of discipline. Otherwise how does a child learn boundaries, to follow the rules and that there are consequences to the choices they make. The key here is to try and remember that you are disciplining the act not the child. I always did my best to explain to her what she did and why it was not a good choice. Did I ever lose my temper? Am I human? Yes, especially when she was in her late teens and was more obstinate. I will tell you however, if you can develop the daddy look, then things can go alot smoothly. Most of the time all I had to do was give her the look and she knew she was in trouble. It sometimes still works today! The other big things are be consistent and do not stay upset for very long. Unless it involves taking another life, there is really nothing that they can do that cannot be fixed. My daughter knows there are consequences to her actions because she was taught that at home, where it should be taught.
"Many parents are finding out that a pat on the back helps develop character - if given often enough, early enough, and low enough." - Author Unknown
6. Do not live vicariously through them! You had your shot at childhood, it's over, so get on with it. One of the worse things you can do is try and force your children into some idea of what you think their life should be. This will surely lead you on the road to being a serious "helicopter" parent. Encourage your children to try new things and yes you can encourage them to try the things you did as a child but that should be it, just encourage. My daughter tried gymnastics, band and swimming. She settled on basketball, track and cross country and was involved in several other school activities. It just so happened that I played basketball and ran track but I told her over and over again that she did not even have to play sports, I just wanted her to do things she liked to do. And she knew that I meant it. Then when she decided on those sports, I gave her tips and suggestions how she could get better. I coached her for a few years in basketball but I never pushed her. I let her decide how hard she wanted to work and how much time she wanted to put into it. But, once again I was there for her. I attended the meets and games. I helped pay for camps and gear and I always encouraged her. So, no matter what your children want to try, encourage them and be there for them but do not force them to do something they do not want to do on their own.
"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer." ~ Author Unknown
7. Things are gonna change! Recognize that as your child gets older things are gonna change and you are going to have to face some changes yourself. They are gonna get a license. They are gonna drive by themselves. They might get a job. And you are gonna be concerned. That's natural, that's life! If you taught them responsibility and were there for them growing up then that is all that you can do. Sure, it can be scary when they start doing things on their own but it is the only way for them to test the waters of freedom before they jump ship. You also have to recognize that you have changed too. You are also older and hopefully wiser but you were also once their age and need to recall how you felt at that age. That will keep things in perspective for you.
"Children are one third of our population and all of our future." ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981
8. Have something else to do! I know I have said to be there for them but you also have to make time for things you like to do. You know grown up things like golfing, gardening, working out and watching soap operas and sports. As they grow older and you are needed less and less (yes, that will happen, after all if you are doing it right, that is the natural progression of things) you need to make sure that you have something else to do. Do not, I repeat, do not make them your whole life. That my friend is a recipe for disaster. That way when they strike out on their own you will not have this huge empty void. You will miss them but you will be free to pursue your own interests. Where many go wrong here is they have nothing else to occupy their time and then wonder what they are going to do. They are lost and then try to help the kids. cCn you hear the sound? Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Sounds like a helicopter parent swooping in to the rescue.
"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent." - Dave Barry
9. Work on letting go! I would not suggest that you do this letting go thing cold turkey. Ease into it. Try it on and see how it feels. I think my daughter was about sixteen and a half, a few months after she got her license, when I sat her down and told her that starting then I was going to slowly progress into advisory mode. On things that I felt she was responsible and mature enough to handle I would be giving advice and not telling her what to do. I had her make her own decisions on those things. So, the older she got, the more I advised. Now that she is 18, I am totally in advisory mode. It is kinda cool because the pressure of making decisions and living with the consequences has gone to her. And less stress is what we are all looking for, right? You see, since I taught her responsibility and provided love, advice, knowledge and discipline, I was confident that she could handle things on her own.
"Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it." ~Haim Ginott
10. You will always be a parent! Now, don't get me wrong, they may leave but you will always be a parent. You will always be needed for advice, directions, recipes, moving labor, etc. Your role does not end when they venture on to bigger and better things. But you really do not want them coming back to live with you. You have moved on and are enjoying your new life without children. Of course, there may be grandchildren in your future but that is a whole different role entirely. No, you will be needed from time to time. It will not be as often or even maybe as intense but the time will come when that phone will ring and you will be called to action once again. Of course if you have followed my advice, then you will be relaxed and almost stress free as a parent, since you know that you raised a competent, responsible and mature adult!
"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." ~Barbara Kingsolver
That's all for today!
May you be blessed always and in all ways!
Harry
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